If I have one fault as a writer - IF I do - it's that I am sometimes predisposed to just ramble on and on. I can't tell a story or make a point without devoting several meaty paragraphs to it. And why use one adjective when four or five will do? Why just say what I mean, when I can hint around at it and then add parenthetical remarks explaining myself more completely?
Yes, I'd say I'm the perfectest writer-guy there ever was.
Anyway, here's some shit I've been thinking about in bite-size morsels, instead of plate-filling, buffet-robbing, waistline-expanding food-as-word-metaphor super-verbosity:
I actually made $75 playing poker last night for an hour. It will take about fifty more nights like that before I believe the downturn is over, but hey: I made some money. And I got involved in some very hilarious suckouts, which is always nice.
I saw a trailer and read some reviews for this movie called "Zombie Honeymoon." If that title intrigues you even a little bit, I won't ruin it for you - get thee to Google and look it up. The DVD is coming out Feb. 14th (good marketing savvy! ) and I'm definitely buying it.
I'm on a diet. The most annoying thing about dieting is not the decreased food volume - I can live with that. No, it's when you have plans to go out for dinner, so you know you can't eat a damn thing until then or you'll go way over your calories. But for the Chinese last night, it was worth it.
The Colbert Report is not as funny now as it was when it launched, and it's not as funny as The Daily Show. I still love the gimmick (Colbert is a pompous, Bill O'Reilly-esque ass) and the "The Word" segments, but it seems like the writing has slipped a bit.
70's funk and jazz-funk might be the best music there is. I dare you to listen to "Funky Worm" or "Chameleon" or "Mothership Connection" and then say to my face that there's better music than that. And if you do it - well, you're wrong, mister. Just wrong.
...Although, Snoop Dogg's early work ("The Chronic" and that album with "Gin & Juice" on it) is close. I don't care if I have to hand in my music snob credentials: Snoop is tha shiznit, biiaaatch.
I apologize for that previous item.
Grand Theft Auto next-gen might be the best video game that it is possible to make. GTA San Andreas is already damn close. I hope they bring back the GTA3 "litter blowing around" effect. But what they really need is a big, persistent-world multiplayer server. I may actually turn off my real life and start living as a GTA virtual person if they make this happen.
I still haven't received the laptop I won from Party Poker. Fuck you, PP! Big ups, west siiiiide!
I apologize for THAT previous item, too. I'm listening to way too much hip hop and funk lately... if that's possible.
--
The Superbowl is this weekend, and jimmy crack corn, and I don't give a shit. It would be nice if my buddy's team, the Pittsburgh somethings, won the game - don't get me wrong. It would be nice for HIM. But me, personally, I'm on the verge of giving up on sports.
There is nothing more tiresome... no, make that heart-breakingly, soul-wrenchingly infuriating... than being a big fan of teams that seem to be on the brink of greatness, and then never get there. And if that description doesn't immediately bring to mind the Indianapolis Colts and the Indiana Pacers, you probably don't follow sports, do you, ya little monkey? Go back to your "American Idol" and knit me a sweater, you GIRL. Jeeeez.
Now that that's settled - have there been two more disappointing teams in the NFL and NBA in the past few years than the Colts and the Pacers? Take a look:
2003: Colts go 12-4, win the AFC South by virtue of a tiebreaker over the Titans. They go into the wildcard round and steamroll Denver - just flat-out embarrass them. Then they prevail in a wild shootout with Kansas City, the team that started 9-0 that year. Everybody predicts the Colts are going to roll over the Patriots and go to the Superbowl, which they will probably win. Instead, the Patriots whomp them - by a margin far larger than the 10 point differential on the scoreboard at the end of the game.
At the same time, the Pacers win 61 games - a franchise record and league-best that year. Despite the fact that Ron Artest is clearly crazier than a rabid chicken, everyone thinks the Pacers are THE team to be reckoned with in the east. Then Detroit shuts 'em down, Tayshaun "People Call Me Gumby, But Gumby Doesn't Look Like He Has Several Horrific Diseases" Prince blocks a breakaway layup by Reggie Miller, and Ron-Ron devolves into a single-celled life form on the play at the end of the deciding game, where he whacked Rip Hamilton for basically no reason, giving the game away.
2004: Stop me if you've heard this one before: Colts go 12-4, win the AFC South (although this time easily). They go into the wildcard round and steamroll Denver, just flat-out embarrass them. Everybody predicts the Colts are going to finally beat the Patriots and go to the Superbowl, which they will probably win. Instead the Colts lose a real stink-bomb of a game, 20 to 3. Gulp.
At the same time, the Pacers start the season 12-4 and look like one of the best teams in the league as they are easily handling the Pistons, the previous year's champs, in Detroit. Then the wheels come off. A towel is thrown, a scorer's table is used as a bed, a drink wends its way to Ron-Ron's chest, and all hell breaks loose. David Stern over-punishes the team and as a result of the fracas, they endure a miserable, suspension-and-injury-plagued season where they barely squeak into the playoffs, and lose - again - to Detroit, as Reggie Miller retires. A sad, sad day.
2005: Colts start 13-0, finish 14-2, win the AFC South... and almost immediately crap their pants while the Steelers point and laugh. Just an ugly end to what should have been a magical, storybook season. Throw in the mess with Dungy's son and this was all the way around just about as bad as the year could have concluded.
At the same time, the Pacers are struggling badly, are in the middle of a lengthy losing streak, have lost Jermaine O'Neal for many weeks and perhaps the entire season, had to trade Ron Artest (finally) for an often-injured and basically un-impactful Peja Stojwhateverhisnameis, and basically look like they've given. the fuck. UP. Watching this Pacer team this year, I can only reflect back on the team they had right after the trade that sent Jalen Rose to Chicago. They had Jermaine, an up-and-coming franchise player... a real superstar in the making. They had Al Harrington and Jon Bender, two of the most promising young athletes in the league. They had Brad Miller, a solid and capable center; they had Ron Artest, a bonafide top twenty player in the league (and now, easily, top ten - although just in terms of talent), and a defensive stopper like no other. They had Reggie, the veteran, the dagger guy, the guy with ice water in his veins. And they had a handful of decent role players who could do what had to be done. Finally, they had a real coach - Isiah Thomas's replacement, Rick Carlisle, obviously one of the top three coaches in the league. That team was GOING to win a championship. And it was going to be a dynasty. This was a can't-miss proposition.
Well... it missed. Big time. What's left of that team now? Half those players are gone and it seems like they held on to the wrong half.
And as far as the Colts go, I think they have a good shot at winning a Superbowl. In ten years or so, when Manning retires.
Yes, I'd say I'm the perfectest writer-guy there ever was.
Anyway, here's some shit I've been thinking about in bite-size morsels, instead of plate-filling, buffet-robbing, waistline-expanding food-as-word-metaphor super-verbosity:
I actually made $75 playing poker last night for an hour. It will take about fifty more nights like that before I believe the downturn is over, but hey: I made some money. And I got involved in some very hilarious suckouts, which is always nice.
I saw a trailer and read some reviews for this movie called "Zombie Honeymoon." If that title intrigues you even a little bit, I won't ruin it for you - get thee to Google and look it up. The DVD is coming out Feb. 14th (good marketing savvy! ) and I'm definitely buying it.
I'm on a diet. The most annoying thing about dieting is not the decreased food volume - I can live with that. No, it's when you have plans to go out for dinner, so you know you can't eat a damn thing until then or you'll go way over your calories. But for the Chinese last night, it was worth it.
The Colbert Report is not as funny now as it was when it launched, and it's not as funny as The Daily Show. I still love the gimmick (Colbert is a pompous, Bill O'Reilly-esque ass) and the "The Word" segments, but it seems like the writing has slipped a bit.
70's funk and jazz-funk might be the best music there is. I dare you to listen to "Funky Worm" or "Chameleon" or "Mothership Connection" and then say to my face that there's better music than that. And if you do it - well, you're wrong, mister. Just wrong.
...Although, Snoop Dogg's early work ("The Chronic" and that album with "Gin & Juice" on it) is close. I don't care if I have to hand in my music snob credentials: Snoop is tha shiznit, biiaaatch.
I apologize for that previous item.
Grand Theft Auto next-gen might be the best video game that it is possible to make. GTA San Andreas is already damn close. I hope they bring back the GTA3 "litter blowing around" effect. But what they really need is a big, persistent-world multiplayer server. I may actually turn off my real life and start living as a GTA virtual person if they make this happen.
I still haven't received the laptop I won from Party Poker. Fuck you, PP! Big ups, west siiiiide!
I apologize for THAT previous item, too. I'm listening to way too much hip hop and funk lately... if that's possible.
--
The Superbowl is this weekend, and jimmy crack corn, and I don't give a shit. It would be nice if my buddy's team, the Pittsburgh somethings, won the game - don't get me wrong. It would be nice for HIM. But me, personally, I'm on the verge of giving up on sports.
There is nothing more tiresome... no, make that heart-breakingly, soul-wrenchingly infuriating... than being a big fan of teams that seem to be on the brink of greatness, and then never get there. And if that description doesn't immediately bring to mind the Indianapolis Colts and the Indiana Pacers, you probably don't follow sports, do you, ya little monkey? Go back to your "American Idol" and knit me a sweater, you GIRL. Jeeeez.
Now that that's settled - have there been two more disappointing teams in the NFL and NBA in the past few years than the Colts and the Pacers? Take a look:
2003: Colts go 12-4, win the AFC South by virtue of a tiebreaker over the Titans. They go into the wildcard round and steamroll Denver - just flat-out embarrass them. Then they prevail in a wild shootout with Kansas City, the team that started 9-0 that year. Everybody predicts the Colts are going to roll over the Patriots and go to the Superbowl, which they will probably win. Instead, the Patriots whomp them - by a margin far larger than the 10 point differential on the scoreboard at the end of the game.
At the same time, the Pacers win 61 games - a franchise record and league-best that year. Despite the fact that Ron Artest is clearly crazier than a rabid chicken, everyone thinks the Pacers are THE team to be reckoned with in the east. Then Detroit shuts 'em down, Tayshaun "People Call Me Gumby, But Gumby Doesn't Look Like He Has Several Horrific Diseases" Prince blocks a breakaway layup by Reggie Miller, and Ron-Ron devolves into a single-celled life form on the play at the end of the deciding game, where he whacked Rip Hamilton for basically no reason, giving the game away.
2004: Stop me if you've heard this one before: Colts go 12-4, win the AFC South (although this time easily). They go into the wildcard round and steamroll Denver, just flat-out embarrass them. Everybody predicts the Colts are going to finally beat the Patriots and go to the Superbowl, which they will probably win. Instead the Colts lose a real stink-bomb of a game, 20 to 3. Gulp.
At the same time, the Pacers start the season 12-4 and look like one of the best teams in the league as they are easily handling the Pistons, the previous year's champs, in Detroit. Then the wheels come off. A towel is thrown, a scorer's table is used as a bed, a drink wends its way to Ron-Ron's chest, and all hell breaks loose. David Stern over-punishes the team and as a result of the fracas, they endure a miserable, suspension-and-injury-plagued season where they barely squeak into the playoffs, and lose - again - to Detroit, as Reggie Miller retires. A sad, sad day.
2005: Colts start 13-0, finish 14-2, win the AFC South... and almost immediately crap their pants while the Steelers point and laugh. Just an ugly end to what should have been a magical, storybook season. Throw in the mess with Dungy's son and this was all the way around just about as bad as the year could have concluded.
At the same time, the Pacers are struggling badly, are in the middle of a lengthy losing streak, have lost Jermaine O'Neal for many weeks and perhaps the entire season, had to trade Ron Artest (finally) for an often-injured and basically un-impactful Peja Stojwhateverhisnameis, and basically look like they've given. the fuck. UP. Watching this Pacer team this year, I can only reflect back on the team they had right after the trade that sent Jalen Rose to Chicago. They had Jermaine, an up-and-coming franchise player... a real superstar in the making. They had Al Harrington and Jon Bender, two of the most promising young athletes in the league. They had Brad Miller, a solid and capable center; they had Ron Artest, a bonafide top twenty player in the league (and now, easily, top ten - although just in terms of talent), and a defensive stopper like no other. They had Reggie, the veteran, the dagger guy, the guy with ice water in his veins. And they had a handful of decent role players who could do what had to be done. Finally, they had a real coach - Isiah Thomas's replacement, Rick Carlisle, obviously one of the top three coaches in the league. That team was GOING to win a championship. And it was going to be a dynasty. This was a can't-miss proposition.
Well... it missed. Big time. What's left of that team now? Half those players are gone and it seems like they held on to the wrong half.
And as far as the Colts go, I think they have a good shot at winning a Superbowl. In ten years or so, when Manning retires.
