I bubbled the FT of a $75 FO on Fulltilt. I misplayed Ah3h 5 handed and then lost a brutal hand when I made the right call on an AJx board and I had 9J and my opp pushed with TQ and hit a K on the river.

Oh well, I sucked out a couple of times earlier that tourney so I guess it evened out.

Always disappointing to miss the blue table tho.

On other news, I am going to vegas on Thursday for the long weekend and am looking forward to it.

Ok, I got my first real good night of sleep since I had my big score last night. I went to bed around 10 and woke up at noon. Ever since the huge payday I had been unable to sleep well. Part of it was my wife waking up at 5 am to go to work and part of it was just being amped. When she got up, I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep. I would check and recheck my bank account and e-mail to see if the money had finally hit and then I'd just surf the web. Well the money has finally hit and I have set aside a nice chunk into a cd which I will just keep there until I have to pay taxes next April. The rest I put in one of those savings account on ING since I want it to be earning some interest but I also need it available quickly for when we do finally put an offer on a house. So the monies are now taken care of and now I can get back to somewhat of a routine.

I can already see that the lack of social interaction is going to be one of the hardest things for me as a "pro" player. I am generally ok as a "loner" (I am usually the guy at a party that sits in the corner and watches - I don't like small talk) but even I need some interaction, so I am looking at some volleyball and basketball leagues and might join a gym as well just so that I get out of the house on a somewhat regular basis.

Other than that, things are basically back to normal. I'm not sure if people actually read this thing or not, but I find writing somewhat cathartic so I might keep updating this on a somewhat regular basis again.... we shall see.

I have written here before about not regressing, in fact I have done so recently... but I always find a way to do so. So I am going to try and detail exactly why I can't allow myself to do it again and will print this out and keep it next to my computer.

I can't regress again because when I chase losses I always end up playing longer than I say I will. I fail to practice good table selection, I keep reloading, and I ALWAYS END UP LOSING!!! When I do stumble to bed anywhere between 4-6 am I am blitzed. My head is spinning, my eyes are bloodshot, I am utterly exhausted but I can't fall asleep. I wake up and my focus is solely on recouping my losses. I don't eat well. I don't take care of myself physically or of my house. The dishes go undone, the floors unvaccuumed, the lawn unmowed, the dog not walked.

When I am going through a busto phase my body goes to hell. I have diarrhea. I get headaches when I never do otherwise.

When I am going through a busto phase my emotional state goes to hell. I isolate myself from friends and family. I become irritable and unkind. I try to hide what I am doing from my wife in the hopes that I will "win it back" and it will all just be a bad memory.

I can't regress again because I do not have a job to back me up right now. Regression will lead to the loss of trust and support I have built with my poker network and with the most important person in my life - my wife. Regression could very easily DESTROY MY MARRIAGE!!! Regression WILL lead to me losing my chance to continue playing professionally. Regressing will knock down everything I have worked so hard and put in so many hours to obtain.

I CAN"T LET MYSELF REGRESS!!!

Well my head is still spinning. I just won over 6 figures!!!

I tried to go to sleep but couldn't. I am still trying to just soak in what happened.

It's funny, cuz the night before these big tourneys I will often daydream with the wife "wouldn't it be nice if I won 100,000" and then it actually just happened.

Well I cleared the 3k for this month that's for sure.

I am probably going to take a little time off until my head gets back on straight.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Well I took the bar exam and don't feel real good about it. But was able to take a bit of a long weekend with the wife (although there was a lot of drama involved with losing our dog, which turned out fine when the dogcatcher got her) and returned and have finally cleaned up the house a bit so at least I feel some semblance of order. And after a long discussion my wife and I have agreed that since I am sort of in limbo until I get my exam results back in November that now is prolly my best opportunity to see if I can make it as a "pro."

So I am now going to be playing at least 40 hrs/week and have also agreed that I will be withdrawing $3k/month. I am going to be sticking with MTTs as my main game.

To achieve the 3k/month I figured that I need somewhere between 35-50% ROI risking $300 per night (the more nights I play the lower ROI I'll need). I know that's doable for me. So now it's just time to do it.

got 4th in the $20 rebuy on FT for something just over $1k. Had a good chance to win, just didn't fall my way.

Roll is back over 14k tho.

I am getting very drained from studying every day. The bar is in less than a week tho and I have to just plow thru. Blech.

I also managed to lose over $2k play 10/20 limit - but I didn't try to win it back by playing 20/40 as I have done in the past and just stopped the bleeding instead and still have a very manageable roll that I can grind back up. So I will.

Well it looks like I'll be able to get a decent letter of recommendation. One of the cases I was in charge of before I quit my job in WI just came out in my favor and it is even going to be published (the vast majority of appellate court decisions are not published). So that's cool cuz it means that I have set a precedent - people can actually use my case as a citation to say sorry suckers you can't sue the DOT in tort.

When it makes it in final format my name should be in there too.

http://www.wicourts.gov/ca/opinion/DisplayDocument.pdf?content=pdf&seqNo=293
48

I final tabled another tourney last night on Tilt. Nothing huge, but a nice little profit for the night... and it actually goosed my lifetime winnings back close to its alltime high. It also got me to thinking...

At the end of May of last year I was basically at the same point moneywise that I am right now. Which means that I have been a break-even/losing player for over a year now. And that is just pitiful.

I absolutely, positively HAVE to ensure that I am going to stop being retarded and have to REFUSE to give my roll back up again. The roller coaster has to stop, and I have to stop it.

I was looking over my posts and from June to September last year I lost over $15k playing over my head and trying to quickly recoup my losses. By mid September I was back to almost $15 k... I then proceeded to lose basically the whole roll by March of this year and again goosed it back to about 15k playing MTTs that I wasn't rolled for (including my biggest win ever in March in the $50 rebuy on like a $3k roll).

Well, once again the working roll is back over $15k and now I HAVE to make sure I don't lose it again. I HAVE to stick to my gameplan. I CAN"T play over my head. I MUST be honest with my play and my results and move down if I need to. I have to REMEMBER the times I couldn't sleep and wanted to throw up as I fitfully tried to get to sleep replaying how I let myself lose so much $$ so quickly. I KNOW I am good enough to beat this game - the ONLY reason I have not done so to this point is because of ME!!!

Because reading these cyclical posts in the end is just pathetic.

Well I had a good night last night.

I won a $26 tourney on Fulltilt and final tabled the $20 rebuy there as well.

I am playing good. And more importantly I am in the correct mental frame.

I have been to this point many times before, and each time I end up regressing and giving back much of my earnings only to have to battle back. Although I have made many posts previously about how I'm not ging to regress, I am hoping that this time will be the real time. Since I am currently unemployed, the money actually matters a bit right now, so I might just pull it off this time. We shall see...

One of the big, big things that has been helping me lately is simply recognizing when I'm becoming a dumbass and taking a breath and refusing to fall into the "I am jinxed" or "I run so bad" frame of mind. This game is emotionally draining. When you are in a crappy run and your AA repeatedly loses or gets no action when you "can't win any race" it is so easy to fall into the "screw it" mentality and suddenly instead of being out of that one tourney where you just got bad beat you are out of your other three within 15 minutes as well. At least for myself, getting into the "I'm jinxed" mentality turns into a self-fulfilling prophesy. Once you start doing that you start letting the game beat you. And I'm too good to let this game beat me.

So I was thinking last night about what has really stopped me from ever making huge gobs of cash. I know I have the technical skills to win. I know I have the reading abilities to win... So why haven't I made more than I have?

1) It's never mattered to me before since I was always employed.

2) Tilt - this just can't be an excuse anymore.

3) emotional regression - it is so much easier to tell other people that beats are "just part of the game" or that you are "running bad" than it is to face up that you are failing to play your "A" game when you start focusing on that crap. I don't think there is a way to "learn" how to control this. You just have to play lots and lots. Still a work in progress.

4) Learning to expand my game - I still don't use some moves like the minraise or the minbet because I've been trained that they are "retarded" - the thing is I'm at a level now where I KNOW WHY they are "retarded" so as long as I don't fall into stupid traps, these moves are actually pretty damn valuable. I need to start varying my bets.

I am playing lots again lately and I am totally expecting myself to start killing this game. There is no reason I should not be making $10k a month. And I am going to keep working at it until I do.

learning to get through the frustrations of this damn game is still, by far, the hardest aspect for me.

I won my biggest tourney less than a month ago. And since then... I haven't even cashed in over 30 tourneys. When my AA just got sucked out on in my latest tourney, I tried my hardest to stay focused on my play (which was ideal) ... but just couldn't. I know I am not "doomed" - but still find myself regressing to those thoughts.

I haven't been posting much here cuz I am not sure anyone actually reads this - but this might be a good way for me to get this negative thinking out of my system.

Prior to this year, I always set my poker goals in terms of how much money I wanted to make and how fast I wanted to do it. With my tendency to tilt, that is just not a good way for me to operate. I need to concentrate on poker as a long term game, and to do that I really need to concentrate on my play and not my results. So this year, my goal is simply to play the best that I can.

Well I came in 5th last night for a nice little score in the nightly $150 tourney on Stars.

When I got knocked out last night, I wanted to puke. I came 4 spots away from winning over $26k and two spot away from over $10k which would be my biggest cash ever. Instead I took home a nice, but not what I wanted $6k. Today - I feel better but not goot.

I made one big mistake with 2 tables left when I had a huge stack and correctly read that my opp had an overpair on a 7 hi board when I had A7, but then convinced myself that he just had overs and called.

Other than that, I am playing really really well. Just need the luckbox to come through. I lost/split two big AK hands on the FT last night and that did me in.

The other part of my game that I really need to work on is maximizing value when I do get monsters - I made a couple mistakes doing that last night as well.

I do feel that my game is very strong again though so maybe I'll get that 5 figure cash yet.

Yay - I am back to $14k!

I only played one tourney tonight because my wife needed the computer. SO I entered the $10 rebuy on stars (the $55 k guarantee. And ended up sitting out the first hour. So I started the second hour with only 4500. But worked my way up to over 85k at one point... And then proceeded to do my one big donk move of the tourney. I made a big bluff with 7 hi against a maniac opponent who I knew had mid pair best. But I made the bluff on the river when I should have done it on the turn (even then he mighta called).

It was a great move against the wrong opponent (and I knew that he was a calling station, which is why I am upset).

Anyhoo - I still made quite a bit playing limit and am almost back to 14k. Still just waiting on one big cash.

I played well again tonight.

Fired up 4 MTTs. Made a move at a bad time in the rebuy on stars and then every other tourney I played fine and would have gone much deeper if I didn't get bad beat.

One more big cash and I am back to my alltime high bankroll.

I really do feel it is just a matter of time.

I played a whopping 25 hands tonight.

Just hunting around for drunks and found some (but at some limits that are way over my roll) - anyhoo it worked. Back up to $13k.

Well the good run is still going.

I actually took some horendous beats tonight, but still ended up + for the night and crept back over the $12k mark.

Goosed the roll back up to 11k tonight playing some 20/40 (yes I know I am underrolled but the games are juicy) and some 10/20. Took a bit of the edge off of yet another bubble in an mtt (this time out in 43rd when 40 got paid).

Yay I just ran super duper pooper scooper hot before work (6 hands at 10/20 on Party and I won 4 of them including AA twice) and goosed my roll back over 10k.

It very possibly will go back below it again - but it feels good to have reached my goal for the year again.

I am running and playing good again. BR is back over $9k. Hope to get it to $10k sometime soon again.

Ok - I haven't been posting lately. In fact, I haven't been doing a lot of what I said I would do last April.

And this always seems to happen to me every year.

I win a buttload of money (this April I was up over $20k).

I then proceed to run really bad, tilt more than I should, and bam I am back to dreaming of what I would be doing if I had that money back.

This time, I took my 20k all the way down to less than $5k. Yes, I have lost over 15k in the past 4 months.

Why? Mostly because I have just been really really really unlucky. I am making it deep in many tourneys still, but until this week I was not making any Final Tables. I also was taking some horrendous beats in Limit and then staying at the table and trying to win it back where I would end up being super aggressive with hands that were clearly best preflop, but forgettting that I could/should fold post-flop.

It got so bad, that I have lately been in "screw it" mode. I was/am still playing with profits, so I just decided to screw it. I will take a stab at a game WAY over my $5k BR right now and play some 20/40 Limit and keep playing $30 rebuys. I'll play my game, and if I lose, I lose.

Well, lo and behold, I have had my first real good win streak. I came in 3rd on the Party rebuy and have won over $2k in the past two days playing 20/40 limit.

So I have gotten my roll back to about $8k. And I have also settled down a bit and looked at the big picture again. My goal at the beginning of this year was to win $10k for the year. When I won over $20k so quick, I really thought I was going to be making $100k this year and would be turning pro next year. Instead I knocked myself down purty well (once again). But even though I have screwed the pooch recently, I am still up $8k for the year - and although it is not great, that still is a good chunk of change and is an accomplishment considering that most players are losing money or are break even over the long term.

So... I am going to go back to playing 10/20 Limit and will continue to play my MTTs but might add some more FOs rather than rebuys.

I am also going to go back to recording my wins and losses, which I got away from doing since April because I was losing so much.

Ok - I haven't been posting lately because I have been losing lots and lots and it is boring.

I went on vacation last week and got drunk with a bunch of Peace Corps friends and realized that even though I have lost over $10k the past 6 months or so, I still am up about $10k for the year which was actually my goal at the beginning of this year.

So I am going to go back and put in another 2k at Party and win back a whole bunch playing good, smart 10/20 Limit.

And I am also going to keep plugging away at my MTTs because I am due. One big win and bingo bango, I am back up to my all-time high bankroll. I am not going to post daily results anymore because I just don't care.

Ok I haven't made a new entry for a while because I haven't won anything for a while.

I went on a huge bender in Limit so I am now basically back to even playing 10/20 on Party - I believe most of that downfall was a bad run combined with me idiotically paying people off repeatedly.

I have also won nothing in MTTs. So I think it is time for me to start posting entire MTT HHs again for feedback.

I probably won't be playing much until Sunday and then will be playing tons next week. So I'll start posting them then.