I got this email from this very pleasant African guy (his English wasn't great, though). It turns out he's the son of some exiled king of some tribe in some African country on some continent. He wanted to give me several million dollars and who am I to say no to that?
Seriously you'd have to be fuct in the head to say no to that.
Since this the fucking United States of fucking America, I expect my semi-elected representatives to do their job, which is to prevent me from losing my house at any cost. Email is clearly the problem here; I submit that the assets of the following corporations should be seized immediately:
"Yahoo" "dot com"
"Google"
"Microsoft"
"Venison Online"
...I could name several more. These sites are a scourge upon society. Think of the fucking children, people! (Admittedly, most childred don't own houses, but think of them anyway)
This is a reprint, but hell, i had to do something...
You've been up, and you've been down. You've got siblings, cousins, and even acquaintances. Lady Luck's not going to take you much farther: you need skills. The dealer knows you've been picking up chumps with your pairs and an occasional three-of-a-kind, but you want to wait for the suit. The first time you snag three of the same suit in a hand, throw two siblings into the pot, then ask the dealer for two more cards. He'll see it coming, and it'll make him nervous.
Now here's the play: Don't look at your cards. You look straight-faced at the dealer and you slide your mother across the table, nice and slow. Have you been counting cards? Are you an old pro? Do you know the risks? That dealer's asking himself a million questions in his head, and you just have to sit there nice and quiet. He'll slide his own mother into the pot.
If his hand shakes or trembles, you've got him in the bag. Splash your dad into the pot immediately, and if he raises you, throw in either grandparent. No one bets a grandma without a sure hand. The dealer folds, and you take your pile to the cashier. She'll hand you over a crisp new friend and congratulate you on a game well played. I've won many friends over the years, and that's the most sure-fire method I know of.
-Knock Knock
-Who's There?
-Ace
-Ace who?
-Ace tupid fish is going to call PFRs with any one of these
-Knock Knock
-Who's There?
-Jack
-Jack who?
-Jacktually push AI with a gutshot you donk?
-Knock Knock
-Who's There?
-Turn
-Turn who?
-Tur never going to fold an overpair so give up the bluff
-Knock Knock
-Who's There?
-TPTK
-GO AWAY!@!!!!!1 I never want to see you again, you SUCK!!!!1 I hate you!
-Knock Knock
-Who's There?
-OESD
-Oh, hi. I don't suppose you're actually going to come in this time are you?
-Knock Knock
-Who's There?
-SF draw
-SF draw who?
-SF draw that doesn't hit shit
-Dammit.
-Knock Knock
-Who's There?
-Flush
-Could you come through the back door? It's so much more fun that way... it pisses off my neighbors. God I love that.
Les_Worm's double check-raise hand history, translated into Portuguese and back into English by Babelfish
Preflop: The hero is BB with KHeart, 9Club.
1 fold, p.m. calls $0,25, 1 fold, calls of keyboard key $0,25, SB finishes, verifications it hero.
Flop: ($1) 4Diamond, 9Heart, SB of KClub (4 players) verify, hero verify, appositive the $0,75 of the p.m., folds of the keyboard key, folds of the SB, increases the $2,5, called $1,75 the hero of the p.m..
Return: ($6) the hero of KDiamond (2 players) verifies, appositive the $3 of the p.m., increases the $7,5, increases the $13,45, called $5,95 the hero of the p.m. of the hero.
River: ($32.90) JDiamond (2 players) Final Potentiometer: $32,90
Results in the white below:
The hero has Kh 9c (full house, kings completely of you sing to sleep them). The p.m. has Td 9s (two if pair up, kings and sing to sleep). Result: Victories $32,90 of the hero.
Was on a bit of a downswing, and
decided to take a walk and collect my thoughts.
There was a strange ambience in the
meadow as I passed an old abandoned barn. Through a streaky, dark
window I thought I saw the outline of Gardena, goddess of the Hearth:
She initiated me into the mysteries of
Nature, the contemplation of which restores equanimity in crisis.
Next it was to the Scuola, for the
Learned Professor would have a kind word, and some meritorious
instruction.
“Your game is not solid and focused.
It is a mere collection of components
“Think of the table as a
ring with nubby protrusions.These are the other players. They appear
to act independently but you must transcend this apparent difference, for truly they are all wired into your thought processes.”
This, I'm sure you can see,
is exactly what was needed.
I've got AdTh UTG and limp it. It gets raised by the button, and all fold but the big blind and me.
Flop comes Ks Qd 5h.
I check. The button makes a pot sized bet. My only read on him is that he is Nosferatu, the Dark Lord of the Night and bloodsucking minion of Satan. And his VP$IP is about 25%.
The BB is Victor Frankenstein (for you n00bs, that's the Doctor -- not the Creature). He folds.
I call and a beautiful Js comes on the turn. I immediately donk-push all-in. The air suddenly fills with the wailing of damned souls. Dracula rises from his chair on wings of black smoke, and a chill grips my spine like a claw of death.
"You retard! You called me with a GUTSHOT ?!?!?! WTF?" hisses Nosferatu as he leaps over the table, scattering chips onto the floor. The felt and the cards go up in a flash of hellfire. His fangs sink deep into my neck and I know I will never see another sunrise.
When reading Poker Books and magazines, you'll often hear a player called "creative" or you'll hear that their style is "imaginative". What could this mean? Poker's not an art form, how much imagination does it take?
Like, if part of the game was that you had to draw your own jacks and queens etc. with a magic marker before you could show down, that would make sense. In that case, creativity could go a long way. You could have some really cool showdowns:
vs
Note that the second (more creative) player has cleverly managed to get 3 aces into his 2 hole cards, and invented another suit in the process. As a result, heshe has the opponent drawing dead, I think.
Anyway, games like that are not being spread in any casinos near me (or you) so we have to figure out how to be creative with what we're given: boring ole normal Texas Hold 'Em. To that end, I've brainstormed some imaginative plays that (I think) will help keep your opponents guessing.
1. Say you have J3o UTG and you limp. MP1 raises 7xBB, CO reraises to 16BB, buttonand small blind call, and the big blind reraises to 100BB. Your options ordinarily are: a) fold (looks weak, though) ... b) reraise, trying to isolate.
But what about the creative play? Bet (-$13,000)! If you get even one caller, and go on to lose the hand, you could more than double up! Think about it
(btw I advocate open-folding on the next street if you are called)
2. Suppose that you have, as usual, cold-called an UTG raise with T4s from the button. The flop comes KKA, none of your suit, and opponent bets. Most players, of course, go into call-down mode here, hoping to catch the runner-runner four-flush (not realizing that it's obvious when it hits).
The creative play here is to bet. Bet what, you might ask? Bet a standard C4 (9X12") envelope full of anthrax! Opp will almost always fold here, and sometimes the house will decline to rake the pot! Make sure the envelope's contents are clearly indicated, though. Like with magic marker.
If you're going to go from the humdrum grind of ABC poker to the top levels, you will need to master this thinking-out-of-the-box style, and even come up with some of your own variations!
